Melodifestivalen

This Saturday it's the final of Melodifestivalen and after sitting and watching no less than 2,8 of the 4 qualifying rounds as well as the last 10 minutes of Andra Chansen I consider myself sufficiently informed to give some qualified feedback:

Måns Zelmerlöw:
That suit, that suit, that suit. He looks like a cocktail waiter on a cruise ship. Or like the Swedish smalltown version of a James Bond impersonator. It is so, so sad. Right, he sang as well, something with "hope" and "glory". It was not bad, but it wasn't memorable either. It was radio music. He had a lot to make up for (even though there is really no excuse for a song like "Cara Mia") and this just didn't have enough of a wow factor. Sorry, Måns, maybe next year.

Caroline af Ugglas:
If someone is dressed like an escaped mental patient, moves like an escaped mental patient and sounds like an escaped mental patient - well, then he or she probably is an escaped mental patient. Snälla, snälla, snälla, dear people of Sweden, don't embarrass your country like this!

Agnes:
Ehm, I actually didn't remember her song - it was just that special. Which is sad, because I had really high hopes for Agnes. She is one of those people that do make good music and you expect her to come to Melodifestivalen and blow everyone away. "Release me" is a song that could have done really well at the ESC for example. Instead she shows up and sings something that is so boring, forgettable and substandard.

H.E.A.T.:
Oh yes, I can feel the heat! 80ies rock at its best and the only song I really liked. I hope they make it, but remembering how it went for The Poodles a couple of years ago I have my doubts. Come on people, get over the ever same-sounding softpop and the 1001 power ballads and sent some real music to the ESC for a change!

Emilia:
Harmless. Is there another word to describe her song? I don't think so. It was, you know, happy-happy pop. Didn't hurt, but didn't stick either. I probably wouldn't notice if she didn't show up on Saturday.

Alcazar:
Al-ca-zar, yes. Not a bad song, even though the chorus is a little weak. But hey, with those candy-coloured ABBA-inspired outfits and the groovy dance moves, who's listening too closely? Alcazar are known outside of Sweden which might be a plus, even though I think people overrate how much of a difference it really makes. The song might be popular with voters in Eastern Europe who don't yet know that Eurodance ended with the 90ies in the rest of the world.

Sarah Dawn Finer:
Booooobies! Oh come on, like you weren't looking. And I don't blame you. It was hard to look anywhere else - her ta-tas were all over the place. But if you did manage to divert your stare and focus on her face instead you could see that she apparently inherited Charlotte Perrelli's make-up artist from last year. There can't be another explanation for such an eyeliner disaster. It all really distracted from her song, but as it was just another lengthy ballad there was nothing to be missed.

E.M.D.:
I said it right away and there are comments of people on You Tube who agree with me: the guy who sings first (the "M" in E.M.D.) may have a beard and all, but he sounds like a little girl. It is unpleasant. As soon as he stops singing things get better. The song is even catchy enough to forgive them their extremely cheesy dance routine. I am not sure how good their chances at the ESC would be though...

Sofia:
When she made it to the final thanks to the vote of the ominous "International jury" I had a very hard time remembering who she was at all. My husband reminded me: "She was the one who sang in Greek". That sounded vaguely familiar. I wasn't sure what language it really was she sang in though. Might have been Greek, English, Swedish, Swahili or all of the above. But let's say it was Greek for easiness' sake. So can somebody who speaks Greek please tell her that Ruslana called. She wants her song back.

Molly Sandén:
She really has a great voice, but why did she have to sing a ballad? Correct me if I am wrong, but it's not like ballads have been winning the ESC lately. And her already small chances of succeeding with that song are further diminished by the fact that she sings in Swedish. Wasn't the idea was to achieve a better result than last year?

Malena Ernman:
I am not a big fan of that kind of music, but you have to give it to her: it would be something different to send to the ESC. There is also a chance that her high-pitched singing temporarily deafens people and makes it impossible for them to hear any contestants that perform after her (less competition = more votes?). Unfortunately her regular singing (meaning the one where she does not sound like she is getting electrocuted in the bathtub) is just not that good. At times she sounds like a guy, at times she sounds like somebody who learned English from a cassette course and at times she sounds like me - none of this being a compliment.

I think if H.E.A.T. does not make it to Moscow it will be a lot of "Sweden - zero points" again this year.