Maternal feelings

Up until 1-2 weeks ago I thought that the absolute worst was my almost complete lack of maternal feelings. Now I know that it is actually a lot worse when the maternal feelings finally do kick in.

For me, there was no maternal bliss after Pontus' birth. I remember lying in the delivery room, looking down at the bloody, meaty bundle on my chest and wondering what on earth I was supposed to do with that thing, a feeling that has not completely left me to this day. The first weeks at home with him were simply surreal.
Babies are tricky. They look like miniature grown-ups but they behave completely unreasonable, you can't argue with them and they don't listen, respond appropriately or cooperate, while at the same time expecting you to tend to their every need 24-7.
Babies are, in short, not people I would hang out with.
But a baby is not only the new roommate from hell, it also brings along its scary sidekick: the grandparents. I have said it before and I will say it again: becoming a grandparent does something to people. It turns perfectly functioning adults into demented nutjobs that lack any kind of common sense. Giving unwanted and often outdated or incompetent advice? Check. Ignoring you and your instructions and wishes regarding the baby? Check. Demanding all kinds of things and sending you on a guilt trip if you don't comply? Check. Making you feel unbearably akward about also being "a mother" now? Check.
Grandparents are, again, not people I would hang out with.

And while this may all sound funny it really isn't. I was realistic enough not to expect to live in a fluffy happy-happy world after the birth, where everybody smiles all the time and every day is better than the one before, but I hadn't anticipated to feel like the odd one out either. And it is easy to feel like that when motherhood seems to come so easy for everyone around and people are uncomfortable talking about how unhappy, overwhelmed and isolated you are.

Things got better a little more than a week ago after I met with a counselor. Not that anything she said helped (we talked past each other most of the time), but it was so good just to get it all out. After venting all the pressure that had been bulding up over the past months, I can finally focus on being the best mediocre mother a child could have and enjoying my time with Pontus. It isn't always easy, but the situation has definitely improved.

Which brings us back to the beginning of this posting: the onset of maternal feelings and how it can make life miserable.
This afternoon I dropped off Pontus at his grandparents, where he will spend the night. This is not the first time he sleeps over, but it is the first time a.o. (after onset). Last time I was just happy, happy, happy that he was gone for the night - this time I did not want to let him go. He hugged me and held on to me and I really wanted to take him with me again. Instead of enjoying my free time I sat on the couch, stuffing my mouth with gummy bears and trying to hold back the tears. And even now I could just jump in the car and go and pick him up.
So is that what it's like to be a mother? Intense love, intense despair, intense frustration, all emotions intensified - is that what it's about?